To The Doctor That Injured My Twin Boys:
I’m sure you don’t remember me but I will never be able to forget you.
I feel a little hesitant to blame you for their injuries because I know that it didn’t start with you. I know that it started in the womb. It started when I was pregnant with my boys in Okinawa, Japan while my husband was stationed there in the Marine Corps and the military hospital staff injected me with the TDaP and flu shot in my first trimester and injected me with RhoGAM in my third trimester. It continued when my boys were born as preemies at 34 weeks and how at 4lb 8oz my son, Noah, was injected with Vitamin K and Hep B upon entering the world while my son, Caleb - 4lb 5oz, was injected with Vitamin K and did not receive his Hep B until two weeks later. It is chilling to see how my Caleb is the one with some language while my Noah remains non-verbal and unheard. I know that their injuries began during the earliest, most fragile period of their development and because of it they struggled to thrive.
But mark my words and despite their early insults, they were born healthy, they were born strong. Two weeks in the NICU with our favorite nursing staff and we were out of there, headed home, and we started to meet all our milestones! My boys were not gone just yet… they still had a chance…
I still can’t blame you just yet…
I remember the day I prepared my boys for their 2-month wellness check-up and in the midst of the chaos of throwing together bottles and diapers to get there on time, my husband asks me if it is necessary for us to go to this appointment and maybe we should rethink their shots. He didn’t really want us to vaccinate the boys but I was furious that he would try to have this conversation with me as I am heading out the door to our doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t fathom how my husband could possibly know any better than my doctor! We had been together since I was 15 years old and now I was a 21 year old mom. There’s no way my husband could know better than my doctor. I shut him down so quickly before he could talk and ran out that door to get two more shots…
...and two more at 4 months…
...and two more at 6…
Don’t worry, I don’t just blame you - I blame me too.
Still my boys continued to fight. They fought hard and stayed strong with all of their might! Their eyes would meet mine, they would laugh, they would play, they would turn their heads when I spoke, they would interact with me in so many ways! They were twins, they were preemies -- so I knew some of their milestones might be delayed but they did pretty well and Caleb even started to wave!
Then we moved to San Diego, where we met YOU.
My boys just turned one years old. They were one year and one month and three days old. I came in so excited to check all their milestones. Despite all they had already gone through, they were healthy and doing great! At the end of our appointment, you said they were due for their shots. You wrote me a prescription for Tylenol, because with the military we were able to get a bottle for free, and you told me to dose them immediately before getting their shots. We walked over to the pharmacy counter, received our Tylenol, dosed them up, and came right back to you. You shot them up with one, two, three, four…
You gave them MMR #1, VzV #1, HIB, Hep-A #1… They screamed so loud I can still hear them until this day…
We went home and they knocked out straight in bed. They slept for hours and then DAYS. They woke up with a fever, just like you said! Their fevers got so high, up past 103. So tylenol, I continued to give. They looked miserable and limp, their faces were red and hot. They stared into the universe as if they had not one single thought. Within a week, they had ear infections and I rushed back to you. Now we began antibiotics too… Noah broke out in a full body rash and his fever just kept coming back… Their bowel movements turned to liquid and started the journey of chronically being sick... Their life disappeared right out of their eyes...
YOU REASSURED ME THIS WAS NORMAL AND THAT THEY'D BE OKAY! YOU NEVER TOLD ME I’D BE FIGHTING FOR THEIR HEALTH STILL TODAY…
They stopped looking me in the eye. They stopped turning their heads when I talked. Caleb stopped waving. They stopped playing games. They were now always cranky and crying for hours throughout the day. I thought it was because we had just moved from Japan or maybe it was because my husband would deploy and come back so I brushed it off and kept bringing them back to see you…
They started to do this funny thing with their hands. They became obsessed with book pages. They started to fuss when I messed up their routine. They wouldn’t listen to me when I would say a command. They wouldn’t acknowledge me when I walked in the room. I would take them to the YMCA and the daycare would come and get me because they couldn’t handle their new meltdowns and inconsolable crying. I spoke with you about all of my concerns… You said that they were healthy and just needed to learn…
I was insistent that maybe something was wrong. In your office, my boys stimmed and I pointed it out and you said… “Oh, they’ll grow out of it”... I continued to insist, “But they have no words?”... and you said, “If you’re really concerned I can refer you to a speech therapist…” and you did.
The speech therapist we saw was shocked that you had not referred us earlier. SHE knew something was wrong… but we couldn’t see her for treatment because we were moving back home. I was already upset with you for not picking up on what had gone wrong. If only I had known sooner, maybe they could have had more help.
We made it back to New Jersey, where I finally learned that the head banging and stimming and self-injurious behaviors, the meltdowns, the lack of eye contact, the struggles we faced… were all a part of our new fate. On their third birthday, they were finally diagnosed with this flimsy, broad term “Autism” - the severe kind. Little did I know, it would be the most severe kind my eyes have ever seen.
I want you to understand this perfectly clear, those vaccines you gave injured my boys.
Those vaccines you gave caused my sons’ Autism.
Those vaccines you gave ripped my sons’ lives away, right out from under them.
I want you to know that you were wrong. I want you to know that I had trusted you and you failed us.
YOU FAILED US.
But despite all of it, I want you to know that I forgive you.
I forgive you because I also had to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for being so naive as to trust that you would know better than me. I had to forgive myself for not researching before making a medical decision for my boys. I had to forgive myself for not listening to my husband when he asked me to reconsider. I had to forgive myself for caring more about worldly ideals and the way the rest of the world thinks than I did about following my natural instincts as a mother. I had to forgive myself for robbing my children from reaching their fullest potential by allowing them to be injected with poison, later to find out that they have a gene mutation (MTHFR) that inhibits their ability to detox this poison and that tylenol depletes glutathione levels needed to properly detox. I had to forgive you because I had to forgive myself right down to the core…
Don't worry, my boys will somehow be fine. I've taken the reigns from here and I will fight for them until I'm buried in the ground. Trust me, if you research, healing is found...
I have tried to be at peace with the fact that you may never understand what you did but I am angry at the fact that you’ve been taught the way you’ve been. I’m sad that my boys are not the only ones. I’m furious that for years, parents have been screaming about what has happened to their kids and with doctors like you, they remain unheard. I urge you to look at the science, the facts. While your decisions in treating my boys may have been naive, you still have a chance to redeem.
You have the opportunity to STOP all this madness. You can turn it all around by looking at the facts and understanding that vaccines are one big fat balancing act, a game of Russian roulette - that while some are just fine, the majority are NOT.
You can read this letter and go on with your day… but I urge you to read this and hear what I say. I urge you to STOP treating children this way...
Love,
Alexandra, Just another #crazymother
💉💔☢️
*** Join us in this new campaign. #deardoctor & #theautismbook
Send your own letter in with a copy of Jb Handley’s new book, "How to End the Autism Epidemic", to the doctor that injured you child. They need to be held accountable. They need to know. 💔